I’m taking a hiatus from engaging with the world beyond my own little circle. I’m working to break some bad habits and begin new, healthier ones. I really need to get my shit together. At 41 years old, this is not something I expected to be doing right now.
I could sit down and talk with you about best laid plans and acceptance but we all know how random and unpredictable life can be and we cope as best we can.
My coping has come to look a lot like denial and avoidance. My survival has come to look like rage. I have always been a warrior but I am battle worn and weary.
I’ve neglected myself because reckoning and healing can be painful.
But, my spiritual “work,” must come from first recognizing my own needs. My path requires that I become as committed to my own well-being as I’ve been to the well being of those I love!
In this way I can truly create a solid foundation from which to build my spiritual house. In this way I come into the strength I need to keep this house clean.
I need a safe place to land after this last decade of my life. Wisdom has come at a cost. Knowing comes at a cost and as I have said before the world is in crisis.
I am demanding more love from myself. I can do that, I have that kind of power.
It’s all about control, I have it, more than I’ve realized.
I’m surrendering to the process and to my healing even when it’s agonizing. I am learning to be softer, with myself, and in the world even when we are both cruel. I am feeling more tender and it hurts so much, I know it must be working. This is my spiritual love and care. The gift I am giving to myself. A forever gift, for having survived.
I am tired of burning so hot all the time, tired of running on empty. I’m fed up with the takers and with how the world treats givers.
The changes I want to see in the world are not forthcoming but, the change I want to be is coming soon. Life is too short for me to spend anymore time beating myself up, down, and sideways over missteps. I am forgiving myself and it is truly divine.
I am enough. I am doing my best. I forgive myself for falling short. These are precious affirmations coming from an emotional cutter.
I recognize the random order of things and I recognize the circumstances I couldn’t have controlled no matter how many times I go back to relive them. I am making space, taking space for my own energy in the universe. Recognizing that it, too, is divine.
Spiritual TLC doesn’t mean I take off from making mistakes and learning from them. It means I don’t punish myself for them forever.
This epiphany, gilds itself into my broken pieces. Making me whole. Making me beautiful.
I want to let go. Be present.
Spiritual TLC gives me permission to feel my feelings, to be my authentic self, allowing me to love more radically than ever. There is more to life than endurance. I intend to find out exactly what that means…….